


THE THING One Shots

by Anguirus1955



Category: The Thing (1982), The Thing (2011 van Heijningen), The Thing from Another World (1951)
Genre: Antarctica, Gen, Horror, Humor, Outpost 31, Parody, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:22:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9774272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anguirus1955/pseuds/Anguirus1955
Summary: A collection of various one shots from the various adaptations of John W. Campbell Jr.'s novella, Who Goes There?  Stories range in tone, mood, and continuity.





	1. Clobbering Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MacReady performs the blood test to find out who's The Thing. The results are not what he expected.

Disclaimer: John Carpenter's THE THING is property of Universal.

* * *

**It's Clobberin' Time!**

* * *

As R.J. MacReady held the petri dish of blood in his hand, with the hot wire in the other, he looked at the expression of trepidation on Garry's face. "This is pure nonsense, MacReady. It doesn't prove a thing," Garry said, knowing that the blood in the dish belonged to the man sitting right next to him. Fear began weaving itself throughout the man.

What if Palmer was an imitation? If so, and Palmer were found out, then what would Palmer do? Would he transform? What would Palmer do to the man _sitting right next to him!?_ Garry was terrified at the possibility. Telling himself that Mac's test was inconclusive only provided him with a small bit of comfort.

"I thought you'd feel that way, Garry," Mac said knowingly. "You _were_ the only one who could've gotten to that blood. We'll do you _last_ ," Mac said before plunging the wire into Palmer's blood. The blood rose up and shrieked liked a scared animal, causing MacReady to drop the dish on the floor in surprise. Garry's fear was confirmed as he leaned over towards Childs and looked at Palmer, who was now shuddering as the blood on the floor started racing back to him.

Palmer soon began to change. His skin began turning color, from flesh to orange. It started becoming rocky and hard, ripping through his clothes and tearing the rope as he grew in size, crushing the seat before standing up and raising two large fists. Palmer-Thing looked at MacReady and grinned. Windows, standing back out of Palmer's view, held his flamethrower tightly, his knuckles white with fear.

"Guess what Mac? It's clobberin' time!" Palmer-Thing exclaimed with a grin. Mac's jaw dropped.

"You gotta be fucking kidding!" Mac exclaimed in disbelief. And then Palmer-Thing punched him through the wall and into the hallway.

" _Ouch._ "

Fin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: Yup. I, uh... well I just really wanted to see something like this in fan fiction. I don't have any excuse.


	2. Progressive Stupidity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Blair destroys the radio room, things just go downhill for everybody at Outpost 31.

Disclaimer: John Carpenter's THE THING is property of Universal.

* * *

**002: Progressive Stupidity**

* * *

After locking Blair in the tool shed, where he would have access to all sorts of tools that would allow him to get out at pretty much any time he pleased, the group walked away from the shed, with Childs and Copper falling on their faces twice after tripping over untied laces from their boots. MacReady looked over at Fuchs, whose glasses had begun fogging up. Fuchs was looking away from him and at Childs.

"So... I guess with all of our communication equipment and vehicles destroyed, we're kind of screwed. We'll have to settle in and wait until winter is over before we can do anything," Doc said. "No, we don't wait," Mac said firmly. "Someone in this camp ain't who he appears to be. Right now that may just be one or two of us, but by Spring it could be all of us," Mac said.

"So how do we know who's human?" Childs asked. "If I were an imitation; a _perfect_ imitation, how would you know if it was really me?" Everyone looked at each other, with Fuchs looking away from the whole group as he tried whispering to MacReady, who was standing several people away from him. The man would probably chase a lone figure into the dark if given the chance. Mac sighed and decided that he'd need to get a leash to keep Fuchs from doing just that if he were ever in a situation that presented the opportunity.

Looking at Copper, Mac spoke. "Is there some kind of test, Doc?" Mac asked the doctor. "Well, I've been thinking of a blood-serum test," Copper said. "We'd take a sample of person's blood and mix it with uncontaminated blood. If there's a reaction, I'd suppose we'd know who isn't human," Copper finished. "It could work," Fuchs said, looking away from everybody. His glasses were now completely fogged, effectively making him blind.

 _I'm gonna have to get that leash pretty soon_ , Mac thought to himself as he shook his head in dismay. "Do we have any uncontaminated blood, though?" Mac asked Copper. "Sure. We've got cold blood in storage," Fuchs said, still looking away from everybody. Childs shook his head at the young scientist. "Fuchs... I'm standing over here," Mac said. Fuchs turned around, still facing away from everyone. "No, no. Over _here_ ," Mac said firmly. Fuchs did a complete one-eighty before finally facing Mac properly.

"Come on, let's get inside," Mac said before everyone started heading into the station, except Fuchs. Fuchs had started walking towards the shed. Mac had to walk back over and grab him by the arm. "This way," Mac said as he dragged Fuchs back towards the main building. "Mac... I can't see anything," Fuchs said. "I've noticed," Mac replied sadly.

* * *

Copper noticed the smell of copper and looked down at the floor before calling everyone into the room. "Hey Garry! Hey, you guys, come here!" Copper yelled. Copper retrieved the keys from Garry before unlocking the door and opening it. After everyone had arrived in the room, Copper explained the situation. "Somebody got to the blood!" Copper said as MacReady stepped forward. "Wait, was it broken into?" Mac asked him. "No, the lock's undamaged," Fuchs said as he held the lock in his hands, unwittingly contaminating it with his finger prints and destroying their chances of catching the culprit, although Copper had also done that as well.

"So somebody opened it, closed it, and then locked it again?" Fuchs surmised in a questioning tone. "Would that test have worked, Doc?" Mac asked Copper. "Oh, I think so," Copper replied. "Someone else sure as hell thought so," Norris said, adding his two cents worth.

"Who has access?" MacReady asked. "I guess I'm the only one," Copper said as he stood up. "And I have the only key," Garry said, forgetting about how he'd given Windows the keys the previous day before Bennings had been assimilated. "Could someone have lifted the keys from you, Doc?" MacReady asked Copper. "I don't see how. As soon as I'm done, I return them right away," Copper replied.

"When was the last time you gave them to him?" Mac asked Garry. "Uh, a day or so ago, I guess," Garry replied. "You _guess?_ " Mac asked him. "Mm... yeah," Garry replied, not painting himself in the best light. "I mean, I _suppose_ that someone could've lifted them off of me," Garry suggested sheepishly. "That key ring of yours is always attached to your belt!" Childs pointed out.

"And Doc thought of the test," Fuchs said. "So what? Is that supposed to clear him?" Childs asked. "Oh shit!" Windows exclaimed as he slowly backed away, remembering why he had left Bennings alone in the storage room. Garry looked over at him, and his brain started working again. "Hey, that's right! I gave the keys to Windows last night!" Garry said.

Everybody turned to look at Windows. "I... I dropped them when I found Bennings," he said with a gulp. "But... they keys are back with Garry, so if you dropped them... how did he get them back?" Fuchs asked the radio operator. "I dunno," Windows said in a panicked voice. "I suppose... somebody could've lifted them back _onto me_ after they were finished in here," Garry suggested seriously.

Childs rolled his eyes. "How long has the blood been cut?" Mac asked Copper. "Refrigeration makes it hard to say," Copper replied. "But it would have to have been sometime in the last twelve hours," he added as he looked at the blood that was on the floor. It had already begun to show signs of oxidization.

"Everyone was still together when Blair went nuts in the radio room, right?" MacReady asked as he looked around. "I wasn't with everyone. I was busy," Nauls said. "And I was... in the bathroom," Palmer said nervously. "Bullshit, Bwana. You were smokin' weed," Nauls said. "Fine. I was getting high," Palmer said. "I find that believable," Garry said with a straight face.

"Yep. I was getting high, and in no capacity taking the keys that Windows had dropped and using them to access this cooler and cut the blood to prevent a test that could weed out an imposter," Palmer said in complete seriousness as he raised his hands and took off the ADHESIVE MEDICAL STRIP that he'd placed on the areas that had been cut in his efforts at sabotaging the blood earlier. "Hmm... well, his story checks out," MacReady said, completely convinced.

"We're sorry that we ever doubted you, Palmer," Norris said solemnly. "Still... this means it's still Windows' fault that this happened!" Childs exclaimed angrily. "Yeah! I'll bet _he's_ the one who did this! Let's beat him up!" Nauls suggested. "Wait... Windows has been under constant watch and treatment since Blair went bat-shit," Fuchs said.

"Oh yeah... I forgot why he had that bandage," Nauls said. "Maybe Blair did it prior to his mental breakdown," Palmer suggested. "Hmm... he _was_ missing when we all went after Bennings and while we were burning the other things' remains... before his attack in the radio room," Garry said in agreement. "So... can we still beat up Windows anyway?" Palmer asked, glancing at the radio operator.

"No... we'll save that for the next time something happens," MacReady said. "You guys are all assholes... except Doc," Windows said. "Why, thank you," Copper said, nodding his head. "He gave me a lollipop after bandaging my head," Windows added. "Hey... I want a lollipop," Norris said. "Yeah, me too!" Fuchs said. "Same here!" Garry exclaimed. "Not me," MacReady said, "I want ice cream."

* * *

MacReady stood in front of the burning remains of the blood packs. "I like playing with fire, and my beard is the best damn beard owned by anyone or anything at this outpost. Anyway, I know I'm human. If you were all these things, then you'd just attack me, so some of you are still human. This thing doesn't wanna show itself; it wants to hide inside an imitation. If it takes us over, then it's got no more enemies, and nobody left to kill it. And then it's won. I mean, it could also just sabotage every attempt we make at flushing it out, and then hitch a ride home after getting all of us real humans to kill each other," Mac said.

"For instance, it could kill someone here and then frame me for it, using our paranoia to make us turn on each other." Palmer and Norris both glanced over at Fuchs, who was cleaning his glasses and holding onto the leash that MacReady had recently tied around him. Mac continued speaking, catching everyone's attention again.

"It could also set some of us up to go outside in a blizzard and then cut the line loose so that we get lost and freeze to death. It could also poison our meals, or even just grab a gun and shoot all of us humans and then burn the bodies and make up a story for the rescue team. It could even sabotage the main power generator so that we all freeze to death and it can just sleep in the cold until Spring. There are a lot of things it could do to win, aside from assimilating all of us, actually," he said thoughtfully, giving the two imitations among them plenty of ideas.

Palmer raised a hand. "So, um, who exactly would be the most important person for this thing to... you know, kill?" Palmer asked MacReady. "Oh, that's easy. Me. I have the nicest beard, and I'm the only person who won't snap under pressure and kill everyone. I may not be as book-smart as Fuchs, or as tech-savvy as Windows, but I'm sure I could devise to test to figure out who's an imitation if I had to," MacReady said. "Like... giving each person some LSD and seeing who transforms when it kicks in and they have a trip or something like that," MacReady explained.

"Uh-huh. Rrrriiiiiiiiiight," Palmer said in response. "Uh... I have a bad heart. I think we should have a test that won't kill the subject before anything can be learned," Norris said. MacReady looked at him. "It was only a suggestion," Mac said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Hey, I have an idea!" Windows said. "What?" Garry asked him. "Let's burn down the whole camp, and whoever survives the cold is clearly not human," Windows explained. "Um... I think we should save that test for last... or never," MacReady said. "Ooh! We could shoot each other in the face, and whoever survives is clearly not human either," Windows suggested eagerly.

"Okay, that head injury needs to get looked at again," MacReady said in an annoyed tone. "Doc, fix him up again when we get back inside," Mac said. "Clark... keep a hold on Fuchs' leash for me, and make sure that he goes to the bathroom tonight," MacReady said. "I don't get it. When did I become a surrogate dog for Clark?" Fuchs asked curiously. "Is it the leash?" he asked MacReady. "Um... that's not quite it," Mac said. "Come on, Fuchs. We need to make sure that you go potty like a big boy," Clark said before he began leading the scientist back into the main building. "Um... Clark? I'm not a dog... or a child," Fuchs said, somewhat concerned for Clark's mental state.

"So, uh... yeah. Let's all head back inside now. Everyone stay together, including the people I suspect the most of being imitations," MacReady said, positive that this was a great idea.

Later that night, the generator was sabotaged and everyone froze to death, except for Palmer and Norris, who were both imitations. As the two monstrosities settled down for a comfortable hibernation, Palmer posthumously thanked MacReady for his wonderful suggestions. "What would we ever have done without you, Mac?"

_Fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: Um... eh, why not?


End file.
